Dear Matt Johnston, of Discovery Channel's "It Takes a Thief",

Hi. I just wanted to tell you I think you are quite possibly the hottest man I've ever seen. I know that's kind of weird, like, just to put it out there like that, but it's true. You are walking sex. I am overcome like a screaming Girl Scout troop at an *NSYNC, full of caffeine and pop music. I Googled you, but I did not find any fan sites for you, and as having a blog may illustrate, I lack the creativity to create one of my own. And, I thought it might be a little...much.

Regardless, your show is not particularly interesting after you've seen it two or three times. I have seen every episode. I know. I watch it for you, because you are quite possibly the hottest man I've ever seen. Did I mention that already? I watch it knowing that shit will get stolen from someone's house, they will cry and get angry, then the shit will be given back. Jesus, I would watch it if you stole the same shit from the same house every time.

I could watch you kick in the door during the opening credits over and over again. It is probably the sexiest bit of aggression I've ever seen. Hold on, I'm going to play it over in my head. Oh God, that was good.

I realize all of this may be creepy. I don't doubt that. My love for you overpowers any sense of emotional regulation I may have been hanging onto like a thread.

Let me know if I can have your babies.

Love,

me